Double Shadow

I probably wont send this to you

But I need to write it to you.

I want this to work. I want you to be mine, and me yours. I want to see you, and touch you and adore you. I want to grow with you and for you and around you. I just want to be important. I want my needs to be a necessity for you to fulfil. I want you to want the same. I’d be good to you and good for you. I’d try my best to consider you.

Cant you try to consider me?

Where's your head at?

Who taught men how to pick up? no really. I’m asking.

Recently I've had a very close friendship to this fairly simple black hat of mine. Yeah sure, hats are in and i usually try to run away from what's "in". I have seen one on everybody and their mom. In every lame-ass-chain of a store. None the less, it makes me feel dressed up in jeans and a T, and i like it. don't judge me.

The thing about this hat is when i wear it i get attention i don't really want. And trust me, no one loves attention more than me. Wearing this simple hat seems to say "I'm easy… talk to me."

"You're so cute in that hat" … (uhm I'm cute ALWAYS thank you very much)

Does this hat make me look that good? surely not. its all you loser men who find any reason for a topic of conversation and run… no… sprint with it.

" i like you, you're different, its your hat"

um no jack ass…. look around. Find something original PLEASE! your friend over there already tried that. Don't you know? i'm looking at the guy who HASNT spoken to me, HASN'T looked at me. Its pretty simple. Ignore me, talk to my friend, that'll get me going (Maybe i should buy her one). Get me nice and insecure, curious as to why you haven't glanced at me. Curious why you think you are better than all the other top hat conversationalists in the room. Bastard! i want you.

The worst is when that douche decided to not only hit you with the HAT line, but he also grabs the hat and puts it on his head.

"Its cute on you but looks better on me…" (Shit i think i've used that line)

FUCKER

a. i don't want your lice.

b. i probably have hat hair after dancing and sweating my ass off in it

c. there was a reason i wore a hat. and no, its not so you could steal it and have an excuse to smudge your boozy red-bull breath all over my breathing space.

All of the above.

If only i could be a man for a day. Seriously. The number of chicks I'd bang.

I'm a Lady

Recently i have developed a very serious crush on a girl. Sure i see pretty girls all the time, I see legs I envy, and symmetrical faces I'd kill for. I notice perfectly flowing hair and tiny moving hips. I've always found the female collar bones extremely sexy. and stared at a few boney chests in my time. None of this was particularly special. I wouldn't remember any of those girls if they walked past me twice. I might not even look the second time.

I truly have no attraction to the Vagina. Right?

I don't want it in my mouth (enter vomit smiley here). Check. I don't want it in or around me. Check. I don't want to be naked with someone and feel any tits other than mine. I don't want to see any that could be prettier or perkier than mine either (however impossible this really is). I don't want to rub someone's leg for an orgasm, nor do I want to shove plastic objects (or fruit) inside me or my partner. (nothing against Lesbos - I'm sure you feel the same about penis).

But back to my female crush, and sexy collar bones.

I know what you're thinking. I'm weird. Confusing. Agreed.

Anyway.

I was sitting in the waiting room at this women's clinic for the first time the other day (first time at this specific clinic, not in my life… chill out), pretending to read a Vogue but more day dreaming about having a hot doctor. (I had picked this place off a Google search and I liked their logo the best.)

I had recently heard that men can give women check ups, yeah, i didn't know this. Does that have to be requested, or is it picked at random? Perhaps they throw your name in a hat? "Hello Ms. Elie, you are this weeks lucky patient!" Can I have one of those request forms please? By the way, You guys should get a gum ball machine, do you have a request form for that too?

Having spent 30 minutes in the waiting room, I now have a fair few fantasies that involve my (very dreamy, non existent) male gyno taking swabs of my cervix. HOT.

So.

Sitting there, giving the other patients the awkward stare. Splashing un enthusiastically through magazine pages. Trying to figure out who around me is getting an abortion. Who has ghonorea or the HERPS. The usual shit you think when you see people at the doctor (when you aren't thinking about getting bent over the stirrups).

Finally my name gets called and a stubby little nurse takes me to the scales. She tells me I'm too skinny for my height range then i get the 20 questions on eating disorders. She then takes my blood-pressure and tells me I'm healthy. Yeah take that. Fast metabolism, sorry you didn't get one of those. BITCH. Sensitive subject (i once had an insurance company deny me coverage because i was 4kg underweight).

She sits me in the doctors room, hands me this massive piece of paper to figure out how to dress myself with (which I severely fuck up every time. Seriously, who invented that shit?) and leaves me to await my Vagina explorer.

Please be hot. Please be hot. PLEASE be hot.

I manage to put my paper gown on backwards. upside down. fuck way round.
(i hope you got paid shit all for inventing this thing, jack ass)

And in SHE walks (kind of like in the movies with her hair flowing lusciously behind her, the occasional strand across her face, even though there is no wind in the room, and its winter with the heater cranked).

About 5'8. Late 20's. Dirty blonde and big blue eyes. Crystal blue, like the Hawaiian ocean. Wait that's more green. How about the Fijian ocean? Her chin is small and her forehead quirky large. Like an alien. A very beautiful goddess like alien. She has absolutely no dress sense. She looks plain and unaware. The perfect girl to take home to your mother, but surely boring as fuck in bed (i bet she'd make you wear a condom too).

Jump to the part where she has has me on the patient chair, faking interest in the white-washed ceiling, legs spread with a plastic duck beak cranked inside me. Worst feeling ever (shut up all you people who have given birth, toughen up). I'm rapidly talking myself out of any fantasies that include a chick, trying to ignore the pain in my lovely pleasure box. I look over at her, totally mesmerized by her beauty that i almost don't realize that she has spent the last 20 minutes struggling to open a swab cap with her lube covered gloves.

FUCK!

You're pretty but come on! Couldn't you have done that before the lube?

She reads my mind. "sorry, i should have done this before, i know it hurts"

"oh no, its fine. I'm fine"

FUCK FUCK FUCK

All done. She takes off her gloves and lifts my arm over my head. She touches my tits with her cold soft hands. I just stare at her. I stare at her while she touches me, i mean while she searches for cancerous informalities in my breast tissue. Hard nipples are a sign of being cold, you know that right? Im not turned on. Oh, that feels good. Don't stop. Yep, i'm just cold.

She took ages on my tits. i swear to it. It was at least 4 minutes on each. ok maybe on both.

I think she loves me back

Four days later and I've told every one of my friends about her. My co-workers. My boss! Maybe i'll call my mom this weekend. I even spent an hour in search of her card at the bottom of my purse so i could Google her. No, that's not stalking! I just want her to be my girlfriend. I just want to hold her hand while everyone stares at her. I just want to introduce her to people and say "meet my girlfriend Emily, she is a doctor." We are so in-love.

My best friend finally intrudes into my fantasy (i think she is sick of my one topic conversation) and says, "Lana, just fucking ask her out and then you can lick her clit"

Reality hits. I'm bent over the toilet for 10minutes spitting up bile. I'm a as straight as you get.

But i just want to hold her hand.

You can't help who you love ok.