I'm a Lady

Recently i have developed a very serious crush on a girl. Sure i see pretty girls all the time, I see legs I envy, and symmetrical faces I'd kill for. I notice perfectly flowing hair and tiny moving hips. I've always found the female collar bones extremely sexy. and stared at a few boney chests in my time. None of this was particularly special. I wouldn't remember any of those girls if they walked past me twice. I might not even look the second time.

I truly have no attraction to the Vagina. Right?

I don't want it in my mouth (enter vomit smiley here). Check. I don't want it in or around me. Check. I don't want to be naked with someone and feel any tits other than mine. I don't want to see any that could be prettier or perkier than mine either (however impossible this really is). I don't want to rub someone's leg for an orgasm, nor do I want to shove plastic objects (or fruit) inside me or my partner. (nothing against Lesbos - I'm sure you feel the same about penis).

But back to my female crush, and sexy collar bones.

I know what you're thinking. I'm weird. Confusing. Agreed.

Anyway.

I was sitting in the waiting room at this women's clinic for the first time the other day (first time at this specific clinic, not in my life… chill out), pretending to read a Vogue but more day dreaming about having a hot doctor. (I had picked this place off a Google search and I liked their logo the best.)

I had recently heard that men can give women check ups, yeah, i didn't know this. Does that have to be requested, or is it picked at random? Perhaps they throw your name in a hat? "Hello Ms. Elie, you are this weeks lucky patient!" Can I have one of those request forms please? By the way, You guys should get a gum ball machine, do you have a request form for that too?

Having spent 30 minutes in the waiting room, I now have a fair few fantasies that involve my (very dreamy, non existent) male gyno taking swabs of my cervix. HOT.

So.

Sitting there, giving the other patients the awkward stare. Splashing un enthusiastically through magazine pages. Trying to figure out who around me is getting an abortion. Who has ghonorea or the HERPS. The usual shit you think when you see people at the doctor (when you aren't thinking about getting bent over the stirrups).

Finally my name gets called and a stubby little nurse takes me to the scales. She tells me I'm too skinny for my height range then i get the 20 questions on eating disorders. She then takes my blood-pressure and tells me I'm healthy. Yeah take that. Fast metabolism, sorry you didn't get one of those. BITCH. Sensitive subject (i once had an insurance company deny me coverage because i was 4kg underweight).

She sits me in the doctors room, hands me this massive piece of paper to figure out how to dress myself with (which I severely fuck up every time. Seriously, who invented that shit?) and leaves me to await my Vagina explorer.

Please be hot. Please be hot. PLEASE be hot.

I manage to put my paper gown on backwards. upside down. fuck way round.
(i hope you got paid shit all for inventing this thing, jack ass)

And in SHE walks (kind of like in the movies with her hair flowing lusciously behind her, the occasional strand across her face, even though there is no wind in the room, and its winter with the heater cranked).

About 5'8. Late 20's. Dirty blonde and big blue eyes. Crystal blue, like the Hawaiian ocean. Wait that's more green. How about the Fijian ocean? Her chin is small and her forehead quirky large. Like an alien. A very beautiful goddess like alien. She has absolutely no dress sense. She looks plain and unaware. The perfect girl to take home to your mother, but surely boring as fuck in bed (i bet she'd make you wear a condom too).

Jump to the part where she has has me on the patient chair, faking interest in the white-washed ceiling, legs spread with a plastic duck beak cranked inside me. Worst feeling ever (shut up all you people who have given birth, toughen up). I'm rapidly talking myself out of any fantasies that include a chick, trying to ignore the pain in my lovely pleasure box. I look over at her, totally mesmerized by her beauty that i almost don't realize that she has spent the last 20 minutes struggling to open a swab cap with her lube covered gloves.

FUCK!

You're pretty but come on! Couldn't you have done that before the lube?

She reads my mind. "sorry, i should have done this before, i know it hurts"

"oh no, its fine. I'm fine"

FUCK FUCK FUCK

All done. She takes off her gloves and lifts my arm over my head. She touches my tits with her cold soft hands. I just stare at her. I stare at her while she touches me, i mean while she searches for cancerous informalities in my breast tissue. Hard nipples are a sign of being cold, you know that right? Im not turned on. Oh, that feels good. Don't stop. Yep, i'm just cold.

She took ages on my tits. i swear to it. It was at least 4 minutes on each. ok maybe on both.

I think she loves me back

Four days later and I've told every one of my friends about her. My co-workers. My boss! Maybe i'll call my mom this weekend. I even spent an hour in search of her card at the bottom of my purse so i could Google her. No, that's not stalking! I just want her to be my girlfriend. I just want to hold her hand while everyone stares at her. I just want to introduce her to people and say "meet my girlfriend Emily, she is a doctor." We are so in-love.

My best friend finally intrudes into my fantasy (i think she is sick of my one topic conversation) and says, "Lana, just fucking ask her out and then you can lick her clit"

Reality hits. I'm bent over the toilet for 10minutes spitting up bile. I'm a as straight as you get.

But i just want to hold her hand.

You can't help who you love ok.